SHENANDOAH, VA — In a bold display of school spirit, East Ridge High School football coach Travis Turner reportedly disappeared this week after discovering that being declared a fugitive now qualifies students—and apparently faculty—for a varsity letter in extracurricular activities.

Authorities say Turner, 47, was last seen sprinting out of his office with a copy of the school’s athletic handbook and a duffel bag filled with disguises, moments before police issued child pornography warrants for his arrest. Local police have since deployed search teams, drones, and a golden retriever who recently failed obedience school, according to Sheriff Marty “Buzz” Delano.

“We take pride in small-town innovation,” said Principal Cheryl Delmott, adjusting her commemorative ‘Run, Coach, Run’ sweatshirt. “Travis always pushed our student-athletes to think outside the box. Frankly, we never expected him to take his own advice so literally.”

Several parents expressed concern over Turner’s vanishing act, with booster club president Dale Sheffley admitting, “Honestly, we just thought he was out recruiting for the playoffs. Who knew he’d go full ‘Where’s Waldo?’ on us?” Meanwhile, local wide receiver Derek Barnes voiced disappointment: “Coach promised us a surprise blitz this season, but I was thinking linemen, not law enforcement.”

As the manhunt continues, East Ridge High’s yearbook committee has already voted to include Turner under the ‘Most Likely To Be Spotted By Drones’ superlative, ensuring his legacy lives on, at least until graduation.