MOSCOW—Gravely concerned officials announced Tuesday that the entire Russian Armed Forces have begun extended emotional recovery leave after 18-year-old street musician Polina Vetrova played a forbidden anti-Kremlin tune on her ukulele, causing what military psychiatrists are calling ‘unprecedented feelings of mild insecurity.’

Vetrova, who strummed three verses of the banned song ‘Putin Go Home’ near a metro station, was swiftly apprehended by authorities. Prosecutors stated the performance resulted in ‘catastrophic troop discreditation,’ and fined her 30,000 roubles—enough to buy nearly five minutes of loyal patriotism at current rates.

“Upon hearing the melody, several soldiers immediately questioned their life choices and one even considered switching to the Air Force,” lamented army spokesman Dmitri Krepkiy. “We cannot allow this ukulele insurgency to continue.”

Eyewitnesses reported that the military’s morale indicators briefly dipped from ‘unwavering’ to ‘very slightly wobbly.’ Kremlin entertainment czar Yevgeniya Pustota praised the swift crackdown: “If we tolerate this, next thing you know people will be singing along. Imagine the anarchy.”

Local street performer Sergei Ivanov expressed sympathy, noting, “I was arrested for covering ‘Yesterday’ by the Beatles. Too Western. Now I only play ‘Yesterday’ by the Soviet Tractor Collective. It’s safer that way.”

The Ministry of Defense has reportedly begun distributing official earplugs to troops, with the hope that future anti-Kremlin ukulele attacks will bounce harmlessly off their ironclad discipline.