In a shocking twist that stunned absolutely no one, the Shenandoah Valley community expressed mild surprise this week after local football coach Travis Turner—who for years was the subject of persistent, well-circulated rumors—was labeled a fugitive following child pornography and computer solicitation charges.

“I’ll be honest, we only called him ‘Creepy Coach Travis’ because of his haircut,” said longtime Woodstock resident and PTA member Sandra Fossett. “Those 78 formal complaints I filed were just friendly suggestions.”

Parents and staff at Valley Ridge High School admitted that the revelation was difficult to process, given that Turner’s suspicious behavior—including teaching ‘Night Vision Training’ in the equipment shed and his 24/7 access to the computer lab—had previously been written off as “passion for the game.”

School principal Rick Westlake stood by the district’s hiring process. “Look, we ran a background check—his criminal record was literally just a giant question mark and a link to a Geocities page. Nothing alarming there.”

Authorities say the search for Turner is ongoing, but some locals believe he may be hiding in plain sight. “If I had to guess, he’s probably in the booth at Applebee’s pretending to read ‘The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Coaches,'” speculated former assistant coach Barry Spillman. “He always did love half-priced appetizers and anonymity.”

The school board is expected to hold a town hall on the topic later this month, assuming they can find a venue still willing to host events for people who claim they had no idea.