BEIJING—China’s Cyberspace Administration announced Monday that it is launching a top-level cybersecurity investigation into Micron Technology, citing concerns that the company’s memory chips are, in fact, dangerously good at remembering things.

“We have reason to believe these chips are storing information, possibly even data, which could compromise national security unless all of it is shared with us immediately,” stated lead investigator Qiang Yuanxia, before requesting to borrow an American thumb drive for further study. “We take seriously any threat posed by hardware that refuses to forget.”

The probe comes days after U.S. allies imposed restrictions on technology sales to China, moves which Chinese officials reportedly interpreted as “a fun new tradition we’d like to try as well.” A spokesperson for Micron, Amber Gates, responded with confusion: “Isn’t the whole point of memory chips to…remember things? We thought that was their job, but apparently it’s a global incident.”

Sources report Chinese authorities have already confiscated several memory modules, placing them in a secure facility “where they can’t recall anything inconvenient.” In an official statement, the Ministry of State Security declared, “If necessary, we will subject these chips to rigorous questioning. If they refuse to talk, we’ll make them run Windows Vista.”

Industry analyst Dr. Phil Phlash predicted escalating tit-for-tat measures: “Next week, the U.S. will demand China explain why their calculators seem to know too much about math. It’s a slippery slope.”

At press time, the investigation had reportedly stalled after cyber officials became distracted by the chips’ Minesweeper games.