BLACKSBURG, VA—In what police are calling the world’s least motivational halftime speech, fugitive Westfield High football coach Daryl “Buck” Hanley disappeared into the Virginia woods this week, apparently convinced that neither law enforcement nor his team’s defense would ever find him.

Hanley, who is under investigation for child pornography and whose understanding of ‘going on the run’ appears to be limited to running a bootleg, was last seen clutching a .22 rifle and a well-worn playbook. The coach reportedly waved his gun and shouted, ‘I’m going for two!’ before sprinting into the underbrush, according to his family.

“He always told the boys to never give up and to ‘find a hole in the coverage,’” said longtime assistant coach Rick Mullins, who noted police seemed ‘shocked at how quickly he broke containment.’

Local resident Martha Tibbets, 83, reported, ‘I saw a man in cargo shorts weaving through the trees shouting about blitzes. I thought it was just preseason training.’

The school board insists it is taking the matter very seriously. ‘We have placed Coach Hanley on indefinite administrative timeout,’ confirmed superintendent Janet Greeley. ‘At this time, we are not commenting on rumors that he is attempting to form a new team of woodland creatures.’

Authorities are now combing the forest, equipped with drones and Gatorade, and have established a perimeter using orange pylons and cones. ‘We just hope he doesn’t try to run the wildcat,’ said Sheriff’s Deputy Joe Paxton. ‘That’s how we lost the last coach.’