In an unprecedented extension of Black Friday, retailers confirmed Monday that at least 3 billion ‘last-chance’ tech deals remain ongoing, leading many Americans to resign themselves to a permanent state of low-grade panic and existential dread, sources say.

Shoppers nationwide report checking their phones every 11 minutes for possible markdowns on 17th-generation Kindle Paperwhites, the new AirPods Pro Ultra Max, and what industry insiders believe is ‘the world’s last unopened Roomba.’ “I hit refresh constantly because if I don’t get a MacBook Air for $60 off, what was the point of evolving opposable thumbs?” said Lisa Trembley, a suburban mom whose family subsists on a diet of Lightning Deals.

Many consumers live in fear of missing The Deal That Will Complete Us. “I haven’t slept since Thanksgiving,” said Craig Donnelly, who has six streaming bundles and 13 smart thermostats in various shopping carts. “My therapist says I’m ‘locked in a dopamine loop.’ I say I’m just trying to secure a $75 Echo Dot with three bonus months of Disney+.”

Retail executives denied allegations that Black Friday now simply continues until the heat death of the universe. “To honor the sacredness of Black Friday, we solemnly add 800 new deals every two hours,” said Amazon spokesperson Kendall Markham, adjusting her Oculus Pixelsport VR headset. “We urge shoppers to monitor our live blog for the next 19-25 years.”

As the deals refuse to end, many Americans are expected to spend Christmas huddled around spreadsheets, waiting for minute-by-minute price drops on robot vacuum cleaners, missing entirely the arrival of human connection or peace.