MOSCOW—In what Kremlin officials are calling “the greatest strategic masterstroke since the invention of vodka,” the Russian Ministry of Defense claimed Sunday that it had successfully captured the city of Pokrovsk, a lightly populated railway junction in eastern Ukraine that is reportedly home to three babushkas and a very anxious stray cat.

“Today, the world witnesses the unstoppable momentum of Russian arms,” said Igor Protokov, spokesperson for the Ministry of Euphemisms, at a press conference held in front of a green screen. “Pokrovsk is officially liberated, and we found a functional vending machine. Surely NATO will be trembling.”

Military analysts remain split over whether the takeover represents a genuine victory or merely the Russian Army finally locating Pokrovsk on Google Maps. “We initially thought it was a typo for ‘Popcorn’, and spent six weeks searching concession stands,” admitted Colonel Anatoly Smirnov, Russian cartographer-in-chief. “But once we found it, the sheer abundance of empty apartment buildings and scenic rubble truly stole our hearts.”

Locals in Pokrovsk appeared unfazed. “I didn’t even realize we hadn’t been captured yet,” said resident Valentina Karkova, standing next to her flock of geese. “Frankly, I’m mostly concerned about the price of potatoes.”

On Russian state television, President Vladimir Putin praised the operation as “an epic showcase of the nation’s might and ability to occupy property values that can only go up from here.” Military sources now confirm plans to take over the neighboring hamlet of Zarechnoe “as soon as someone finds out where that is.”