GAMERVILLE, USA — After meticulously testing every controller ever manufactured, retrofitted, or 3D-printed for the Nintendo Switch 2, gaming hardware expert Riley Gromburg has declared that the best option is whichever gamepad consumers haven’t impulse-bought yet.

“After playing 19 hours of Mario Kart on the EasySMX S10, I realized true comfort is an existential void I’ve been filling with plastic and rumble motors,” confessed Gromburg, straddling a teetering pile of unboxed Gulikit ES Pros. “But the S10’s amoeba support nearly made up for the existential dread.”

The $89.99 official Switch 2 Pro Controller, lauded for its innovative feature of having a wirelessly attached 3.5mm headphone jack, remains the only controller to transmit just enough euphoria to briefly distract users from its rapidly disintegrating joysticks. “We wanted to give gamers a taste of luxury,” said Nintendo engineer Taku Yoshimura, polishing a diamond-encrusted thumbstick. “And the only thing more decadent than paying $90 for a controller is doing it again in six months.”

Third-party devices, like the GameSir Super Nova and Gulikit Elves 2, offer alternatives priced as low as $29.99, or roughly the price of admitting you have small hands. “The Elves 2 fits perfectly in my childlike grasp,” said self-identified ‘controller sommelier’ Becky Tiller. “But I can’t reach the triggers unless I believe in magic.”

As new models with swappable buttons, AI-driven rumble, and rear paddle-based cryptocurrency mining flood the market, Gromburg remains steadfast. “The hunt continues,” he said. “Eventually, I’ll find a controller that fits my palm and my soul. Until then, my hands—like my savings—remain numb.”