WASHINGTON, D.C.—Capitol Hill was plunged into confusion and mild existential dread Tuesday after lawmakers emerged from a closed-door Navy briefing regarding a recent ‘double-tap’ strike on suspected drug boats, only to discover the operation involved a series of extremely aggressive high-fives, rather than the missile barrage they had anticipated.

Rep. Jim Hines (D-CT), visibly disturbed, addressed reporters outside the SCIF, stating, “This was, without a doubt, one of the most troubling things I’ve seen in my two decades here. Admiral Bradley confirmed there was not a ‘kill them all’ order, but frankly, the slap-related enthusiasm was off the charts. The navy’s hand-to-hand tactics have evolved beyond my worst fears.”

Sources familiar with the briefing say Admiral Frank ‘Jazz Hands’ Bradley demonstrated the maneuver using two Navy SEAL interns and a pair of novelty foam fingers. “We switched to the double-tap because the traditional single high-five left too many drug boats unmotivated,” Bradley reportedly told lawmakers. “Our pilots are now trained in both morale-boosting and stern finger-wagging.”

Despite the lack of casualties, Republicans remain skeptical. “Look, if we can’t trust the military to at least lightly maim suspicious boats, what are we even doing?” questioned Rep. Brick Farnum (R-TX). “These hand gestures send a dangerous message—we’re a nation of limp wrists, not iron fists.”

Meanwhile, reaction among Navy ranks has been mixed. Ensign Kyle ‘Slappy’ Haverford, who survived the operation with minor palm bruising, commented, “The real threat isn’t the enemy. It’s carpal tunnel.”

As Congress debates whether to allocate $8 billion for wrist supports or just order a round of ice packs, the American public is left pondering: just how many strikes does it take to get to the center of military accountability?