With Cyber Monday now extending into its third consecutive month, Americans nationwide are being encouraged to buy the Nintendo Switch 2, Ninja’s Creami ice cream maker, and Amazon Echo Frames with the urgency once reserved for natural disasters and Black Friday at Walmart.

“This is the best deal I’ve seen since my neighbor tried to pawn his kidney for a PlayStation 5,” said retail analyst Janet Boddy, clutching her Switch 2 Mario Kart World bundle. “They say you get Mario Kart for free, but what’s really free anymore? Besides my self-respect after checking my credit card bill.”

Shoppers reported feeling a mysterious, primal compulsion to purchase the Ninja Creami for $279, with guidelines noting it can “craft sorbet, gelato, frozen custard, or froyo, or whip up a milkshake—all while silently judging your life choices.” According to Dr. Greg Shiffman of the Consumer Impulse Clinic, “The moment I saw I could make four small cones per batch, I knew I’d never see my children’s faces uncoated in chocolate fingerprints again.”

Meanwhile, Amazon’s Echo Frames are selling out fast, with a bundle that lets you experience audio calls, music, and Alexa-enabled existential crises for only $114.99. “I never knew I needed glasses that could talk to me until my normal glasses stopped responding to my questions about the weather,” said tech influencer Bryce Carmichael.

Sources confirm B&H Photo, Amazon, and Walmart will continue firing deals directly into the nation’s dopamine receptors until either the economy or the smartphones run out of juice, whichever comes first.