In a bold display of clairvoyance, Australia’s financial markets have officially priced in a 100% chance that the Reserve Bank of Australia will raise interest rates at some point in 2026, marking the first time global investors have felt this confident about anything happening more than 18 months from now—including their own birthdays.

The move comes after last week’s unpleasant inflation figures, which buoyed spirits among the nation’s professional forecasters who reportedly look forward to being able to say, “We told you so,” in two years’ time. “I’ve seen the tea leaves, chicken entrails, and the RBA’s unofficial astrological chart. It’s clear: rates are going up come 2026,” said Dominic Fizz, Senior Rate Prophet at the Sydney Futures Exchange.

Average Australians have responded to the news with typical anxiety and confusion. “I’m not sure if I should buy a house right now, or just sit in my car until 2026,” said local mortgage hopeful Sharon Muddle. “I just wish the Reserve Bank would stop giving me so much time to overthink.”

Meanwhile, property investor Brad Ledger has already preemptively listed all 17 of his apartments for rent in the year 2027. “I want to be ready for the 2026 rate hike and the 2028 ‘rate apology tour,’” Ledger explained. Financial markets are also reportedly considering setting odds on the final medal tally at the 2028 Olympics, after finding the 2026 RBA rate hike prediction “insufficiently challenging.”

RBA Governor Phil Lowe, reached for comment via Ouija board, confirmed, “We like to keep markets on their toes. But yes, all signs point to a hike, give or take some economic events, government decisions, and the end of the world.”