LOS GATOS, CA—In a historic move that industry insiders are calling ‘Shrek meets Shark Tank,’ streaming giant Netflix has announced a sweeping takeover of Warner Bros Discovery, vowing to boldly transform the iconic studio into ‘the world’s largest algorithmically-generated dopamine farm.’

Warner Bros CEO David Zaslav, best known for swapping nature documentaries for an endless parade of competitive cupcake baking, reportedly sees the merger as a victory for everyone except shareholders, employees, and anyone who remembers movies. “Combining our storied legacy of film with the lowest common denominator of reality TV means you’ll now be able to watch Casablanca: The High School Reunion exclusively in 12-minute segments between episodes of Sexy Zookeepers,” Zaslav declared while spinning the wheel for his next programming idea.

Netflix’s VP of Original Content, Amber Hastings, reassured fans that the Warner Bros library would be handled with respect. “We’ll give The Wizard of Oz the gritty reboot it deserves: think Oz, but Dorothy hosts a dating show for flying monkeys. Our engineers estimate a 40% increase in binge-induced catatonia.”

Industry analysis was swift. “What better way to honor 100 years of cinematic storytelling than turning it into a cooking competition judged by a CGI Dobby?” mused Felix Horowitz, Professor of Cultural Decline at USC. “We’re just grateful Harry Potter will finally get the crossover with Buying Beverly Hills it always needed.”

Meanwhile, HBO Max accounts were reportedly seen weeping quietly in the corner, mumbling, “At least Peacock still loves me.”