PALM BEACH, FL—In a surprise move, former President Donald Trump revealed today that he is working closely with FIFA President Gianni Infantino to give the 2026 World Cup a ‘much-needed, classy MAGA upgrade.’ The tournament, scheduled to take place across the United States, Mexico, and Canada, will now reportedly feature penalty shootouts hosted exclusively at Mar-a-Lago, with goalkeepers required to wear red ‘Keepers America Great’ hats.

Trump, appearing via Skype from his personal golf cart, promised fans a ‘truly incredible, beautiful soccer experience—like never before.’ ‘People always say, “Donald, can you make soccer less European and more terrific?” and let me tell you, nobody can Americanize soccer like me,’ Trump claimed, while unveiling prototype MAGA-branded soccer balls the size of medicine balls.

Officials also confirmed that goals will now be tracked with orange absentee ballots, and, per new FIFA rules, each match will include a halftime speech by Trump himself. ‘We’re introducing a new, fairer scoring system—three points for each goal, 45 points for each mention of me,’ added World Cup Director Chad McHannity. ‘Finally, soccer done right.’

FIFA President Infantino reportedly described the changes as ‘historic, innovative, and not at all the result of relentless phone calls.’ ‘This is truly the art of the sports deal,’ Infantino sighed, nervously straightening his tie. Meanwhile, U.S. team captain Taylor Adams said, ‘I’m just excited to see how we’re supposed to play on a field covered in commemorative gold statues.’

The White House, reacting to news of the platinum-plated trophy recast in Trump’s likeness, offered a simple ‘no comment.’