SAN FRANCISCO—Pebble founder Eric Migicovsky announced the launch of the Index 01 this week, a $75 stainless steel ring that records voice notes on demand, eliminating the need to ever attempt using your brain again. The smart ring, which Migicovsky describes as an ‘external hard drive for your consciousness,’ allows users to press and hold a button anytime they have a fleeting thought, urgent reminder, or Burger King order to memorize.

‘Before Index 01, I would forget to buy milk, pick up my kids, or change my pants,’ said early user Cassandra Hertz, showing off her silver Index 01 next to her wedding ring. ‘Now, I just press the button and instantly outsource my memory—my husband’s thrilled I finally remembered our anniversary was coming up, even if it was from a 2 a.m. half-asleep mutter.’

Pebble insists the device is privacy-friendly, with all thoughts stored locally on your phone, not the cloud. ‘Unlike every other device in your home, we’re not eavesdropping on your existential dread,’ boasted Migicovsky, who added, ‘Our open-source software means anyone can hack their ring to order pizza, schedule existential crises, or trigger a confetti cannon whenever they say “synergy.”’

Supporters are hailing the ring’s two-year battery life, water resistance, and ability to record in 99+ languages as ‘the final nail in the coffin of trying to remember anything ever.’ Critics, meanwhile, note the ring can’t swim, monitor your blood pressure, or tell you what the hell you were thinking at 3:46 p.m. last Thursday.

‘This is the first gadget that makes me feel like less of a human and more of a slightly defective cyborg,’ confessed tech influencer Braxton Feeney. ‘I can’t wait for the premium version that whispers forgotten passwords directly into my ear.’