NEW YORK—With economic alarm bells ringing and stock charts looking uncannily like ski slopes, leading economists are urging Americans to adopt the strategies of 1929 in hopes of staving off another catastrophic depression—including the widespread wearing of flapper dresses, investing in Model Ts, and bringing back Prohibition.

“If there’s one thing we learned from 1929, it’s that you can never have too many feathers in your headband,” said Princeton economic historian Dr. Leland Cuff. “The Dow dipped 400 points last week. It’s time to start Charleston dancing in the lobby of your local bank.”

Financial advisors at Morgan Stanley have begun offering clients the “Jazz Age Portfolio,” comprised mostly of railroad stocks, penny-farthing bicycle manufacturers, and bathtub gin futures. According to senior partner Madison Dewey, “Investing like it’s 1929 is about more than money. It’s a lifestyle. If you’re not hiding cash under your mattress, you’re really not hedging your risk.”

Federal Reserve Chairwoman Janet Gable announced new initiatives, including the deployment of ticker tape parades to distract the public from plunging markets and a ban on all forms of joy until further notice. “To truly learn from history, we recommend everyone reread The Grapes of Wrath and consider a cross-country trek by jalopy,” Gable said at a press conference while clutching a bag of flour labeled ‘for barter.’

White House aides confirmed that President Biden is reviewing plans to reintroduce the Smoot-Hawley Tariff Act, but this time targeting avocado toast imports. “We’re pulling out all the stops,” said one anonymous official. “If we have to return to speakeasies and jugs marked ‘XXX’ to avoid economic collapse, so be it.”