BALTIMORE—In a bold move destined to settle absolutely nothing, a Maryland federal judge on Thursday ordered the release of Kilmar Ábrego García from ICE custody, with court officials confirming he will now be known as ‘The Living Manifestation of America’s Political Differences.’

Ábrego, a Salvadorian national previously working construction in Montgomery County, was escorted out of ICE detention by two U.S. Marshals, a CNN camera crew, and a small parade of Republicans and Democrats, each claiming victory. ‘We’re thrilled,’ said Rep. Melinda Farquharson (D-MD), clutching a ceremonial gavel. ‘Finally, the personification of immigration discourse will be available for all cable news hits in perpetuity.’

Local GOP organizer Gerald Dirkson expressed measured optimism about the release. ‘While we would have preferred he remain in custody until the end of time, we take solace knowing his every movement will now be referenced in hundreds of attack ads,’ Dirkson noted, distributing pre-written campaign mailers featuring Ábrego’s face photoshopped onto a burning American flag.

Ábrego’s attorney, Lena Robledo, said her client was overwhelmed. ‘Kilmar came here to hang drywall, not become a 24-hour symbol for the breakdown of legislative process,’ she told reporters. ‘But at least now he has the freedom to be discussed angrily by strangers on the internet.’

ICE released a statement observing that, while they strongly disagree with the judge’s order, they are ‘excited to see how many hours of prime-time coverage Ábrego can generate before his next court date in Tennessee.’