WASHINGTON—Bipartisan anxiety rippled across Capitol Hill Wednesday after President Donald Trump personally authorized the seizure of a Venezuelan oil tanker, apparently believing it to be, in his words, “probably packed with cocaine and also a fun way to celebrate Cinco de Mayo.”

The USS Resolute intercepted and boarded the oil tanker “El Petro Grande” off the Venezuelan coast in what analysts are calling the boldest effort yet to turn US foreign policy into a high-stakes game of Battleship. The Pentagon reported finding zero evidence of drugs aboard, but did confiscate three barrels of crude oil and what was later identified as a broken mariachi CD.

“This president is sleepwalking us into a war over maritime party favors,” said Rep. Claudia Harbuckle (D-MD), adding, “I just don’t think we should be launching missiles every time someone says ‘fiesta’ on the radio.”

Rep. Boyd Platter (R-OK) issued a rare rebuke of the administration’s tactics: “I love oil, I love tough talk, but I draw the line at bombarding boats because they look suspiciously buoyant.”

White House spokesperson Brittany Lamp denied the action was a precursor to war. “We simply want to make sure no Venezuelan boat ever transports anything again, just to be safe,” Lamp explained. “President Trump enjoys both safety and surprises. You never know what’s in those tankers! Could be oil. Could be a pony. Could be drugs. He likes the thrill.”

The president was later spotted in the Situation Room with a blindfold, swinging a golf club, and demanding someone bring him another ‘big boat-shaped prize.’