LONDON—In a historic meeting this week at an undisclosed Pret a Manger, Belgian Prime Minister Bart De Wever and UK Labour leader Keir Starmer engaged in tense but creative discussions over how best to spend billions in frozen Russian assets, now gathering dust faster than a British museum’s Roman exhibit.

With Europe split on whether the funds should help Ukraine or just fund a very, very large statue, De Wever and Starmer reportedly considered a host of novel solutions. “We’re caught between sending the money to Kyiv and finally building the world’s longest cycling lane,” De Wever said, unwrapping a chocolate truffle. “But honestly, a 40-meter waffle iron on the White Cliffs of Dover is the peace offering Europe needs.”

Meanwhile, Russia’s central bank declared that suing Belgium-based Euroclear was “the only logical response to someone hiding your money and then threatening to buy Ukraine a fleet of hoverboards.” Euroclear spokesperson Nigel Trough insisted the company was simply “holding the money in a very safe place, which may or may not be the break room fridge.”

Legal experts are unphased. “It’s rare for a nation-state to sue a bank in a court named after a Soviet tractor factory, but not unprecedented,” explained Vladislav Sprudnikov, senior analyst at the Institute for Contested Assets. “Mostly it just results in a lot of paperwork and some very angry Belgian squirrels.”

The coalition’s final decision is expected at next week’s EU summit, assuming someone can find the password to the group Zoom.