WASHINGTON—In a solemn address from the Oval Office Wednesday, former President Donald Trump declared that Name, Image, and Likeness (NIL) deals have transformed college sports into a “capitalist dystopia where quarterbacks are Forbes-listed and mascots unionize for better tailgate snacks.”

“Frankly, it’s a disaster, the biggest disaster since free refills,” Trump announced, gesturing to a graphic showing the Clemson Tiger breaking ground on a 14-bedroom mansion. “When I was in college, the only compensation you got was a broken nose and maybe a letterman’s sweater. Now, they’re driving Lamborghinis to Psych 101.”

Trump then outlined his alternative plan, dubbed “NIL: No Income League,” which would ban all athlete payments and instead award scholarships to the winner of an annual, nationwide dodgeball deathmatch. “It’s called meritocracy,” explained head Trump advisor Brock Rooney. “If you want a free ride, you’d better catch that ball. Literally.”

College athletic directors appeared mixed on the policy. “Frankly, I miss the old days when we could just hand a kid a pizza coupon and call it a contract,” said University of Alabama AD Kip Crandall, pausing to autograph a Nike-branded recruiting drone. Meanwhile, Nebraska walk-on safety Trevor Plunkett, who currently receives $37 and a signed Arby’s hat per Instagram post, admitted, “I don’t know if I can go back to only eating cafeteria gruel. The NIL money is my lifeline—my parents only Venmo me twice a semester.”

At press time, the NCAA announced it would consider Trump’s plan, provided someone explain the rules of dodgeball to them first.