WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a dazzling display of existential commitment to ornamentation, First Lady Melania Trump this week revealed her latest White House Christmas decorations, effectively transforming 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue into what historians are calling “a cross between a luxury mall and the inside of a snow globe suffering a mental breakdown.” The theme, “Home Is Where The Heart Is,” features a Blue Room tree festooned with tributes to Gold Star Families, 55 miles of twinkling lights, and approximately 300,000 cubic feet of artificial snow, all intended to honor the American tradition of overwhelming festive excess.

“When people say America is over-decorated, I say, you forget about the true meaning of Christmas,” Melania explained to a pool of reporters, emerging from behind a hand-carved ice sculpture in the shape of Mount Rushmore wearing a tinsel cape. “It is about home, family, and uncomfortably cold hallways.”

Event organizer Trish Pennington observed, “If you listen closely, you can hear the whimpers of Secret Service agents who haven’t seen sunlight since the forest of 40-foot firs arrived in November.” Melania’s decorator, Svetlana Baranov, praised the First Lady’s vision, stating, “Melania wanted elegance, humility, and something that could double as a runway for Siberian wolves. We delivered.”

White House custodian Gerry Munk objected only slightly: “We’re still finding stray pinecones in the Situation Room. Honestly, one fell out of Mike Pence’s shoe last week. At this point, Christmas is a permanent resident.”

The decorations are expected to remain until Easter, or whenever the final shipment of glitter can be safely contained.