PALM BEACH, FL — Speaking from his Mar-a-Lago resort days after his arraignment on 34 felony counts, former President Donald Trump clarified his decision to personally attack Judge Juan Merchan and the judge’s family during a televised address, claiming the move was part of a bold new legal strategy: seeing how many additional charges he could rack up in one evening.

CNN’s Maggie Haberman relayed the logic behind the speech, reporting, “Trump believes that if you’re already facing a mountain of indictments, you might as well build a ski resort on it.” According to sources close to the former president, each new personal insult earns him at least two loyalty points in the ‘Persecuted Martyrs’ Rewards Program.’

“We tried advising Mr. Trump to stick to the facts, but he prefers to operate on the ‘Offense is the Best Defense, and Also the Best Offense’ plan,” explained fictional legal advisor Ronny Spoons. “He sees every courtroom as just another rally, but with more beige carpet and less cheering.”

Trump’s campaign manager, Doug Shoutman, praised the move: “Attacking judges and their families is just classic branding for us. It’s like the golden escalator of legal communications.”

When asked if such behavior could negatively impact his case, Trump supporter Mary-Beth Fancypants said, “Frankly, my husband’s cousin’s mechanic’s dog once barked at a judge, and three months later he got a tax refund. So you never know.”

Legal scholars were last seen furiously rewriting textbooks to include ‘shouting at judicial relatives’ as a possible defense strategy.