In a statement released at 3 a.m. from Mar-a-Lago, former president and aspiring epidemiologist Donald J. Trump connected the recent deaths of acclaimed director Rob Reiner and his wife Michele Singer Reiner to what he termed an “unprecedented case of advanced Trump Derangement Syndrome” (TDS), declaring Hollywood a “public health emergency zone.”

“If you look at the science, which I do, many, many people are saying that TDS is the real killer in Hollywood, not me. Sad!” Trump wrote on Truth Social, before re-sharing a meme accusing Ron Howard of hoarding all the good roles in 1982.

Dr. Marianne Balderdash, self-described Chief of Political Pathologies at the CDC, confirmed that an executive order had arrived on White House fax machine paper. “Per the President’s directive, the CDC will be tracing the recent TDS outbreak back to its source, with special attention given to the cast of Spinal Tap,” Balderdash told press, “and possibly some of the funnier SNL sketches.”

Nick Reiner, the couple’s son and current suspect in a plot twist too dramatic for even an HBO mini-series, issued a statement via his lawyer. “My client categorically denies any involvement and would like to remind the public that executive actions should be reserved for matters more significant than his father’s opinions on The Princess Bride.”

Not to be outdone, Senator Lindsey Graham called for immediate federal funding to “develop a vaccine against TDS before our nation’s actors, directors, and Best Boy Grips are wiped out.”

It remains unclear whether the CDC will add “Trump Derangement Syndrome” to the next edition of the DSM, though insiders suggest a new reality competition show may result from the investigation.