Hollywood was sent into a collective existential crisis Thursday as Steven Spielberg unveiled the trailer for his enigmatic new film, “Disclosure Day,” prompting moviegoers to pine for the innocent clarity of being tractor-beamed into spaceships by little green men.

In the trailer, Kansas City newscaster Linda Wilcox (Emily Blunt) abruptly enters a trance mid-broadcast, communicating exclusively in rhythmic, inhuman clicking noises that several outlets have already mistaken for the 2024 Grammy nominations. Onlookers nationwide report feeling “alarmed, confused, and oddly ready for a Spotify remix.”

Moments later, a mysterious man known only as ‘The Truth Guy’ (Josh O’Connor) arrives, claiming to hold secrets about humanity so profound, the script required three separate NDAs and a certified conspiracy therapist. “He’s here to share the truth with all mankind,” Spielberg explained in a press release, “assuming we’re emotionally prepared for it after the last Avengers movie.”

Reaction from early viewers has been overwhelmingly bewildered. “I just hope this time, the aliens are here to help us with our student loans,” said area resident Dakota Frey, who admits to not seeing a Spielberg film since “the one with the dinosaurs.”

Famed UFOlogist Marlene Chiles is less optimistic: “I decoded Blunt’s clicks and all I got was a Chili’s Happy Hour menu. It’s too soon to say what it means.”

The studio confirmed that the full plot will remain shrouded in mystery until the premiere, or until someone successfully reverse-engineers the trailer’s binary subtitles. Either way, humanity will reportedly have ‘more questions than answers’—a stark contrast from last month’s Universal Studios board meeting.