TOWNSVILLE — In a bold step forward for both alternative medicine and creative résumé writing, ex-mayor Troy Thompson has endorsed an electromagnetic pulse bracelet sold by a business linked to his partner, claiming it not only managed his non-existent epilepsy, but also alleviated symptoms of cancer, chronic studentness, and a stubborn case of never-having-served-in-the-military.

The Queensland Crime and Corruption Commission (CCC) released a detailed report Thursday concurring there was “no direct evidence” Thompson had ever been diagnosed with epilepsy, or, for that matter, reality. Speaking at a product demonstration livestreamed from his living room, Thompson held up the dazzling silver bracelet and declared, “Once I put this on, my fake diseases felt instantly better. I haven’t misrepresented my medical history even once since wearing it.”

The Ruby Wellness Advanced-Science Ultra-Pulse Bracelet™ claims to use proprietary wave technology to improve health outcomes, promote honesty, and gently massage the truth. According to the bracelet’s website, “It’s like chemo, a Ph.D., and national service—on your wrist.”

Ruby Wellness spokesperson Stacy McSham added, “Look, we can’t legally say it cures imaginary illnesses, but we also can’t say it doesn’t.”

Townsville resident Glenn Prong was impressed: “The mayor was so convincing, I almost forgot he wasn’t actually mayor, a doctor, or a war hero. All I know is, my wrist tingles and my trust issues are gone.”

The CCC concluded its investigation by recommending all official statements from Thompson be accompanied by a medical disclaimer and a link to Snopes.