With the launch of the Nintendo Switch 2, millions of gamers face the existential crisis of choosing between new hardware and clinging to their beloved, Joy-Con-drifting relics. In response, Nintendo has unveiled their most advanced accessory yet: the Pro Controller Comfort Edition, designed specifically for Switch 1 owners determined to ignore technological progress.

“We know our customer base,” said Hiroshi Yamamoto, Nintendo’s Chief Controller Evangelist. “They want to play Mario Kart while lying face-down on a carpet made from their own broken dreams. Our new controller includes built-in nostalgia sensors and a self-soothing haptic feature that gently vibrates to remind users they’re not entirely obsolete.”

Among the features touted in the new model are an OLED apology display, which periodically flashes messages like ‘It’s okay, the Switch 2 isn’t even that good,’ and an ergonomic tear-catcher for those mourning the $79.99 price point. “It even dispenses tiny packets of tissues from the USB-C port,” said third-party accessory reviewer Lyle Snedeker. “Because sometimes, when you’re trying to connect to Bluetooth, you just need a private cry.”

Some critics argue that most third-party controllers now serve as existential commentary rather than gaming peripherals. “My GuliKit KingKong 3 Max just whispered ‘remember when games were fun?’ into my ear,” lamented local gamer Shannon Pelfrey. “I never even installed the firmware update.”

Nintendo assures fans that the controller’s Amiibo reader will continue to not work with any figures released after 2023, cementing its legacy as the definitive choice for anyone intending to stay several years behind the curve.