JERUSALEM—In what officials are calling a “delicious milestone for regional stability,” Israel’s cabinet on Tuesday approved the establishment of 19 new Jewish settlements in the occupied West Bank, bringing the total since 2019 to a mouthwatering 69—a number that apparently unlocks a complimentary round of international condemnation and a coupon for free pita bread at the next U.N. Security Council meeting.

Bezalel Smotrich, Israel’s far-right finance minister and honorary spokesperson for the International Monopoly Board, declared the accomplishment as “tremendous, unprecedented, and frankly, kind of sexy.” “We always dreamed of reaching 69 new settlements,” Smotrich stated while popping the cork on a bottle of Manischewitz. “It’s a symbol of partnership and mutual fulfillment—mostly ours, of course.”

The new settlements, which include two previously evacuated sites now rebranded as “Disengagement 2: Electric Boogaloo,” are expected to further cement lasting peace with the local Palestinian population. “It’s simple math,” explained government spokesperson Yossi Brickman. “The more settlements we build, the more room there is for dialogue. Or at the very least, more roundabouts.”

International response ranged from sternly worded tweets to a strongly worded email left in Israel’s spam folder. U.N. envoy Marcia Glower expressed her dismay: “I’m running out of synonyms for ‘deeply concerned.’ Does anyone have a thesaurus?” Meanwhile, local settler Ehud Finkelstein celebrated the announcement by breaking ground on what he described as “Israel’s first espresso bar with panoramic views of three security barriers.”

At press time, Israeli ministers were reportedly debating whether reaching 100 settlements would earn them a commemorative plaque or a free sub sandwich.