LONDON—In a bold move to provide the nation with the stability of knowing exactly when to start worrying, Chancellor Rachel Reeves has announced that her eagerly anticipated spring statement will arrive on 3rd March, months ahead of the traditional panic season. The Treasury confirmed this early date was set to offer “a clear itinerary for uncertainty” and minimize the disorienting effects of spontaneous tax anxiety.

“Frankly, we felt the public could use more structure in their existential dread,” said Treasury spokesperson Alan Quibble, who praised the early scheduling as a “gift-wrapped calendar entry for collective economic despair.” Recent polls indicate that 79% of Britons prefer to experience confusion regarding tax policy at a time that fits neatly between Valentine’s chocolate hangovers and post-Easter remorse.

The Office for Budget Responsibility (OBR) has been tasked with crafting a set of forecasts that, according to insiders, will range from “mildly ominous” to “straight-up cryptic predictions delivered by a man in a velvet cape.” OBR chief forecaster Penelope Twiddle explained, “For this statement, we’re experimenting with a mood-board approach, featuring interpretive dance and a live reading by Rishi Sunak.”

Business leaders, worn out by last year’s 14-month budget buildup, expressed cautious optimism. “At least now I’ll know exactly when to run out of the country,” said hedge-fund manager Giles Fotheringay-Biscuit. “It’s such a relief to have that booked in.”

Despite widespread confusion, the government stands by its plan. “Everyone complains until their anxieties are finally scheduled,” Reeves stated. “Then suddenly, chaos feels almost manageable.”