In a bold new chapter in American transparency, Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer announced Wednesday that he is introducing a resolution to sue the Justice Department for its “egregious, dare-I-say-languid pace” of releasing Jeffrey Epstein-related documents to the public. “We demand not only unrestricted access to the truth, but we also demand it be dropped in our laps, double-spaced and properly footnoted, by dinner time,” Schumer stated while standing atop a growing pile of unopened classified binders in the Capitol Rotunda.

Meanwhile, across the country, CBS News staffers threatened to resign after their unique constitutional right to decide what gets aired was trampled by management. The last-minute cancellation of Sharyn Alfonsi’s 60 Minutes exposé on El Salvador’s CECOT mega-prison—where, sources say, prisoners are forced to watch reruns of The Apprentice—has caused what network insiders are calling “the greatest journalistic crisis since that time someone swapped Don Lemon’s decaf for regular.”

“We were explicitly told CBS stood for ‘Cover Brutal Stories,’ so imagine my surprise,” lamented veteran associate producer Chip Fletchman. “If we don’t get to be the ones who spike our own stories in protest, are we even journalists?”

In an exclusive sit-down, CBS’s Editor-in-Chief Bari Weiss explained, “It’s not that we’re afraid of the truth about El Salvador, it’s just that we really don’t want people to stop inviting us to embassy parties.” Asked about the staff mutiny, Weiss mused, “We’re reviewing our options, but if this continues, we may be forced to let Anderson Cooper choose the next story using a Magic 8-Ball.”

Legal experts expect the resulting lawsuits to be settled by next Thursday, unless the Epstein files reveal something about CBS programming decisions, in which case, everything will be classified again.