WASHINGTON—In a year marked by what experts are calling ‘bold new interpretations of constitutional neglect,’ the U.S. government officially handed decision-making authority to the social media platform TikTok, sources confirmed Monday.

The crisis began when President Joe Biden, citing ‘extreme fatigue from an extremely long four-year term,’ bequeathed the TikTok ban decision to incoming President Donald Trump. Trump, reportedly busy crafting an elaborate TikTok dance in the Oval Office, responded by uploading a video featuring himself lip-syncing ‘Should I Stay or Should I Go?’ and failed to issue any formal directive.

With both leaders declining responsibility, TikTok went offline for five dramatic hours, instantly becoming the number-one topic on Threads, X, and the back of every high school chemistry notebook. Upon its triumphant return, TikTok released a statement thanking Trump for ‘doing literally nothing,’ and confirmed its new status as the nation’s fourth branch of government.

Constitutional scholar Dr. Jeanine Perkins noted, ‘We always suspected the Founders were thinking ahead, but even Hamilton couldn’t have foreseen a dance app wielding this much authority.’

Congress responded by unanimously drafting the ‘Scroll or Veto Act,’ allowing citizens to upvote or downvote future legislation through choreographed dances. ‘If it doesn’t go viral, it doesn’t become law,’ Speaker Mike Johnson explained while practicing the latest trend, known as the ‘Filibuster Shuffle.’

Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh, asked for comment, replied via duet: ‘We’re just thrilled to finally be on the For You Page.’