WASHINGTON, D.C. — Responding to newly released Jeffrey Epstein documents alleging that Donald Trump flew on Epstein’s private jet at least eight times in the 1990s, former President Trump clarified Tuesday that his only involvement was “accidentally mistaking it for a very fancy Uber Pool.”

“Listen, back in the ‘90s, everyone was getting on random jets. You’d just see a leather seat and free shrimp, and suddenly you’re 40,000 feet in the air next to Alan Dershowitz,” Trump explained, insisting that flight manifests are “fake news, like calorie labels and hairlines.”

The Department of Justice attempted to quell speculation, stating that the released files included ‘untrue and sensationalist claims.’ “Some of these allegations are so wild, even Netflix passed on them,” said DOJ spokesperson Linda Smathers. “We found one memo suggesting Trump and Epstein flew to the moon to build a luxury golf course.”

Sources close to Trump revealed his confusion about Epstein’s jet. “He kept yelling at flight attendants to turn on Fox News and bring him a McRib,” said imaginary ex-security advisor Ronnie ‘Buzz’ Peepers. “He thought Dom Pérignon was a fancy French ketchup.”

Meanwhile, Trump’s legal team issued a statement: “President Trump categorically denies having any knowledge of jet propulsion, social calendars, or time zones in the 1990s.”

As for future document dumps, the DOJ warned, “The next round may include Trump’s infamous 1997 napkin-drawn plan to put slot machines in the Lincoln Bedroom.”