JERUSALEM—In a move described by many as “both historic and conveniently eligible for local real estate sweepstakes,” the Israeli government this week approved 19 new Jewish settlements in the occupied West Bank, bringing the recent tally to 69—a number that officials insist is merely coincidental, though “mathematically charming.”

The announcement was made by Finance Minister Bezalel Smotrich, who proudly declared, “Not only have we set a new record for settlements, but I’ve also personally unlocked a bonus round and received a coupon for unlimited falafel at Shlomo’s Hummus Hut.”

The latest batch of settlements includes two recently resurrected from the 2005 “disengagement” plan, which Smotrich called “the return of the prodigal plots.” Ministry spokesperson Yael Yarkoni further explained, “Every time we hit a new milestone, the Ministry of Construction sends us a commemorative spatula. I’m running out of drawer space.”

Critics say continual expansion undermines the chance of a Palestinian state, but coalition partner Benny Gantz remained upbeat: “If we build enough homes, maybe we’ll find where we misplaced the peace process. I think it’s behind the new IKEA.”

Meanwhile, a spokesperson for the regional mayors’ council, Eitan Shadmi, expressed hope for the future: “With 69 settlements, we finally have enough people for a weekly settlers’ bowling league. Now, if only we can get the bowling alley built next.”

At press time, sources confirm that the government is already eyeing a 70th settlement, rumored to come with a limited-edition commemorative magnet and a key to the West Bank’s least used porta-potty.