WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold attempt to prove his mental acuity and secure America’s standing on the world stage, President Donald J. Trump announced today the creation of “Stair Force One,” a sweeping executive initiative to make all federal staircases safer, slower, and more presidential.

“Other countries are laughing at our stairs,” Trump told reporters while standing at the bottom of a heavily-padded, triple-rail stairwell in the East Wing. “With Biden, every day it was tumble, tumble, tumble. Obama? He bopped, okay, a total show-off. But with me, no falls. The world notices these things.”

Trump confirmed that all White House stairs will be replaced by moving escalators by the end of 2025. “We have the best escalators, beautiful, shiny, no bopping, just smooth gradual descent. The French president said, ‘Donald, you walk stairs better than anyone.’ True story,” Trump added.

White House physician Dr. Garry Gray issued a statement reassuring the public: “President Trump’s devotion to stairs is simply a reflection of his legendary caution and vigilance. Not at all related to the six-hour nap he takes after each step.”

Trump’s new Secretary of the Interior, John ‘Snake Rail’ DeVille, explained, “We’re already working with Six Flags consultants to redesign the Lincoln Memorial steps with velvet ropes and mirrors. America is about dignity again.”

A bipartisan panel met to discuss the president’s obsession with staircase safety. Ranking Democrat Rep. Sheila Dribble (D-NY) remarked, “At least he’s finally focused on infrastructure.”