In a move celebrated by urban planners and numerologists alike, Israel announced the approval of 19 new Jewish settlements in the occupied West Bank this week, bringing the grand total of new settlements in recent years to a record-breaking 69.

“This is a proud moment for the nation,” declared Israel’s far-right finance minister Bezalel Smotrich, unveiling a ceremonial plaque while wearing a hard hat and posing with a golden trowel. “With each new settlement, we not only push boundaries—both literal and metaphorical—but also get one step closer to a nice, satisfying round number.”

The expansion drive, which officials have dubbed the ‘Settlerpalooza Initiative,’ includes two settlements that were previously evacuated during the 2005 disengagement plan. When asked about revisiting abandoned territories, settlement architect Ronit Feldman explained, “We’re committed to not letting history or international law tell us how to use prime real estate. Besides, the old playgrounds hardly needed any cleaning.”

Critics have expressed concern that the ever-growing patchwork of settlements may hinder the possibility of a Palestinian state. In response, Israeli Construction Ministry spokesperson David Klein offered reassurance: “Our new settlements feature state-of-the-art negotiation rooms—just in case anyone wants to talk peace between yoga classes.”

Palestinian farmer Youssef Mahmoud, whose land will soon host the ‘Mount Abraham Gated Vista,’ shared his qualified enthusiasm: “It’s nice they’re naming their cul-de-sacs after my olive trees. I just wish they’d asked first.”

Officials confirmed construction will begin next week, with ribbon-cutting ceremonies, free falafel, and a pop-up souvenir stand selling ‘I [Heart] Settlement 69’ t-shirts.