Tegucigalpa, Honduras — After a vote count that lasted longer than most celebrity marriages, Nasry “Tito” Asfura, a Trump-endorsed construction tycoon and professional mayor, has been declared President of Honduras, winning by a margin of 28,000 votes—roughly the population of Tegucigalpa’s stray dog community.

The result was announced an impressive 31 days after polls closed, with officials clarifying that “all ballots considered inconvenient, confusing, or slightly moist” had been set aside for an expedited non-review. Critics of the process pointed to inexplicable delays, frequent recounts, and the fact that the final total was announced via PowerPoint live from a Denny’s restroom.

“We wanted to make sure each ballot was thoroughly inspected by at least three bored relatives and one guy who claimed to be a cousin of Tito’s,” said election supervisor Juan Pablo Carazo, reading from a crumpled napkin. “Any inconsistencies were handled by placing those ballots in the special bin marked ‘To Be Decided By Fate.’”

Former candidate Salvador Nasralla expressed concerns, noting, “I was ahead for most of the count until the final box of votes was discovered under a pile of empanadas.” When asked for comment, US President Donald Trump—who has never visited Honduras—tweeted, “Another huge win for democracy and buildings! Also I hear Honduras has the best tacos.”

International observers described the scene as “utterly unique,” with British envoy Lady Penelope Dunshire remarking, “I haven’t seen this much suspense since my last Amazon delivery.”

With the new result official, Asfura celebrated by promising a brighter future and several new bridges that may or may not lead somewhere.