TEGUCIGALPA, HONDURAS—In a suspenseful election process that combined traditional democracy with a dash of Las Vegas showmanship, Trump-backed candidate Nasry “Tito” Asfura has been declared the new president of Honduras following a month-long vote count, two weather delays, four recounts, and an inexplicable Magic 8-Ball consultation.

Electoral officials announced Asfura’s razor-thin victory—by a margin of 28,000 votes, or roughly the attendance at a Miami Trump rally—just minutes before they were scheduled to actually review the ‘inconsistent’ ballots. “We felt confident enough to stop counting when the lead stabilized for at least 37 seconds,” said election supervisor Olga Martínez, adding, “Besides, we were all out of Red Bull.”

The election was marred by unconfirmed accusations of US interference, rubber stamp shortages, and an incident where an observer attempted to cast 14 ballots after mistaking the polling station for a Chuck E. Cheese. Former president Donald Trump, who formally endorsed Asfura, congratulated the winner, declaring, “This is what fair elections look like—if you ignore most of the numbers. Beautiful!”

The losing candidate, Salvador Nasralla, has appealed to the Supreme Court of Honduras, citing ‘mild confusion and a suspiciously tan American in a MAGA hat counting ballots.’ In response, Asfura promised to unite Honduras by “building roads, bridges, and a beautiful wall—if the United States pays for it.”

International observers sighed a collective ‘meh.’ “At least it wasn’t decided by rock, paper, scissors,” said British diplomat Nigel Clutterbuck. “Though we were prepared for that.”