WASHINGTON—Saying that ‘America is tired of waiting for senators to finish talking,’ former President Donald Trump has called on Senate Republicans to abolish the filibuster and replace it with a single, decisive round of rock, paper, scissors.

‘Look, the filibuster is old, it’s boring, and frankly, nobody even understands it,’ Trump told supporters at a rally in Sheboygan. ‘We need something faster, more American, like a quick game—boom—done. Rock, paper, scissors. No more losers droning on for 22 hours about highways.’

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell expressed tepid support for the plan. ‘Tradition is important in the Senate,’ McConnell said, ‘but if it comes down to debating or just throwing out a quick pair of scissors, I suppose it saves us all a lot of time.’

Sen. Lindsey Graham, R-SC, added, ‘I’ve been practicing my scissors all week. It feels refreshing. And honestly, it’s not much less dignified than what we’re doing now.’

Democrats expressed concern that the new rule could be abused by those with ‘unfairly large hands.’ Senate Parliamentarian Faye Buckley warned, ‘There are no existing guidelines to adjudicate a best-of-three match, which means chaos could ensue if ties persist.’

Trump assured the public that the plan would be ‘the fastest, fairest, and most fun way to pass laws in American history,’ and promised a televised tournament if elected in 2026.