DUBAI—In a moment hailed as ‘the most important event to ever involve a fuzzy yellow ball,’ the tennis world turned its attention to the exhibition ‘Battle of the Sexes’ match between Aryna Sabalenka and Nick Kyrgios, held under the neutral auspices of the Dubai Center for International Gender Showdowns.

Officials said the outcome of the match will definitively determine which gender has the right to blame the sun, the wind, or mysterious feelings of malaise after double-faulting. ‘Once Kyrgios and Sabalenka finish, we’ll finally know who gets to yell at the umpire and who must remain stoic in post-match interviews,’ explained ITF spokesperson Mona Bask. ‘Frankly, it’s a relief.’

The match began with Sabalenka serving a ball clocked at 300 kph, narrowly missing an Emirates Airlines flight, while Kyrgios responded by demanding a bathroom break after every point, citing ‘deep existential turmoil.’

Crowd reactions ranged from polite golf claps to brief outbreaks of interpretive dance. ‘I was promised a bloodbath,’ complained local tennis fan Ramesh Al-Maktoum, waving an inflatable racquet. ‘All I’ve seen so far is Nick arguing with the hawk-eye system about microaggressions.’

Kyrgios, asked about his strategy, replied, ‘I’m just here for the appearance fee and maybe to invent a new kind of underhand serve.’ Meanwhile, Sabalenka announced, ‘I dedicate each ace to breaking the glass ceiling, or at least cracking the scoreboard.’

The match is expected to wrap up sometime next week, or whenever the players agree who has the best hair.