NEW YORK—In a sudden reversal celebrated by economists and meme lords alike, the cryptocurrency market saw $1 trillion erased from digital asset valuations this quarter, following President Donald Trump’s famous October 12 tweet: “Bitcoin GOOD! Tariffs HIGH! America RICH!”

Despite Bitcoin reaching an all-time-high of $126,000 on October 6, the optimism quickly evaporated after Trump’s announcement of a 100% tariff on everything imported from China, including, reportedly, packets of Szechuan sauce and knockoff Yeti mugs. After the tweet, Bitcoin plummeted to $41,000, with analysts blaming “a lack of concrete plans beyond tweeting and wearing red hats.”

Eric Trump’s own TrumpCoin ICO, described by its website as “like Bitcoin, but with extra patriotism,” saw its value nosedive by 44% in December, leaving early investors with nothing but commemorative hats and lifetime Mar-a-Lago newsletter subscriptions. “We all bought in because we believed in the synergy of digital assets and unbridled optimism,” said TrumpCoin investor Laquisha Robillard, who now accepts Sbarro gift cards as payment. “Turns out, the market can’t run on vibes alone.”

Veteran crypto analyst T. Chad Raleigh noted, “It’s just unfortunate that nobody anticipated the financial consequences of replacing SEC regulators with Truth Social influencers. We thought the all-caps memes would be bullish.”

Meanwhile, US Treasury Secretary Kid Rock assured citizens, “Americans can rest easy knowing their portfolios are safe—as long as you only invest in NFTs of my monster truck.”