In a rare opportunity for Americans to purchase self-worth at a discount, the Dreame X40 Ultra robovac is now available for $503—a markdown of nearly $700, and, according to experts, a competitive alternative to both marriage counseling and monthly spa subscriptions.

“This is more than a vacuum,” explained smart home evangelist Tanya Fibb. “For the price of one therapy session, this device will not only clean your floors, but silently judge your life choices every time it passes that pile of laundry you’ve been ignoring.”

The X40 Ultra, once considered the gold standard of robot overlords before being callously replaced by the X50 Ultra, features 12,000Pa of suction, AI-powered dirt shame detection, and a patented algorithm that emits a gentle sigh if your home falls below Instagrammable standards. While it lacks the newer X50’s motorized swing arm—designed to vault over emotional thresholds—it compensates by automatically emptying its own dustbin, a feature many users wish could be applied to their inboxes.

Consumer Alan Bramble, whose floors have never before seen daylight, told reporters, “Since acquiring the X40 Ultra, I not only regained square footage but also a sense of purpose. Sometimes I just watch it work and pretend it’s cleaning up my existential dread.”

Dreame spokesperson Linda Algorithm noted, “While the X40 is technically obsolete, it still has more emotional intelligence than our management team. Our testers wept openly when it detected the ketchup stain from 2017.”

As Americans weigh whether to invest in a robot vacuum or simply surrender to the entropy of modern life, the X40 Ultra makes a compelling case for outsourcing both housekeeping and personal growth at 58% off.