SYDNEY—With the Australian economy entering 2026 armed with nothing but a semi-functional stock market, rampant inflation, and an artificial intelligence sector reportedly worth “infinity dollars,” economists say the coming year will be a thrilling contest to see which existential threat can make Australians most miserable first.

“Honestly, we just spin a wheel every morning to decide if we’re mad about gold prices, AI, or the cost of lettuce,” explained RBA spokesperson Wendy McCracken, adjusting her VR headset to check on digital sheep prices. “So far, lettuce is winning, but silicon chips are coming up fast.”

As metal prices soar, investors have reportedly begun hoarding gold, silver, and anything shiny, leading to a nationwide shortage of wedding rings and vaguely metallic-looking chocolate wrappers. “I traded my car for a single gold earring and three grams of bauxite,” said Brisbane resident Darren Nettle, who now commutes via pogo stick. “With AI picking stocks, I figure my pogo stick could be CEO by June.”

Meanwhile, the AI bubble continues to inflate as tech startups launch increasingly ambitious ventures, including “KangaGPT,” a chatbot that offers mildly aggressive stock advice in an Australian accent. “People say this is another bubble, but if you ask my AI, it says ‘buy high, regret later,’” said venture capitalist Sienna Quong.

The government maintains it is prepared for any scenario, unveiling a new national currency backed by ‘vibes and distant optimism.’