WASHINGTON—Amid swirling rumors about his health, former President Donald Trump confidently addressed the nation Friday, touting an unprecedented third consecutive perfect score on his cognitive exam and revealing that White House physicians had found his brain was, in fact, ‘the finest, most luxurious brain ever examined.’

According to Dr. Lance Manley, chief physician at Walter Reed and author of the report, Trump’s most recent medical checkup yielded “results never before seen in medical history.” Manley claimed, “Not only did the President ace the cognitive test yet again, but X-rays also showed his brain is physically composed of 24-karat gold and several winning Powerball tickets.”

Trump, not one to shy away from medical transparency, posted his results in a 47-tweet thread, noting, “They said it couldn’t be done. They said, ‘He can’t possibly pass the test again, it’s too many times, it’s not even allowed by law.’ But I did it. Perfect. No mistakes. They should call it the Trump Test.”

Dr. Sheila Persimmons, neurologist and trivia champion, confirmed, “I’ve never seen this level of cognitive fitness, except maybe once with a dolphin in Monaco. When asked to recite the days of the week backward, Mr. Trump invented two new days and nobody corrected him.”

When asked about persistent rumors regarding his hearing and an alleged medical scan mishap, Trump’s spokesperson explained, “The only thing the President can’t hear is fake news, and the only thing he can’t see is defeat.”

Trump concluded the press conference by inviting Joe Biden to a televised cognitive duel and suggested the winner would get to rename the month of October.