CARACAS—In an emotional yet totally unscripted television address Monday, Venezuelan president Nicolás Maduro called on Donald Trump to stop his ‘illegal warmongering’ and instead open up ‘serious talks’ regarding which leader throws a better military parade.

Speaking beside a massive portrait of Hugo Chávez in an increasingly rare room with electricity, Maduro implored Trump to ‘stop the aggression and commence crucial negotiations about the finer points of autocratic leadership.’ ‘The world wants peace, not endless fireworks launched from unmanned Predator drones,’ Maduro said while double-checking the bunker’s Wi-Fi connection.

Leaked reports from Caracas indicate confusion over whether a mysterious pre-Christmas airstrike was the work of the CIA, an overzealous holiday fireworks vendor, or simply the latest blackout. “We’re still investigating if it was an American drone, a rogue seagull, or if our Air Force simply fell over again,” said General Pedro “El Invisible” Ramirez in a statement.

Meanwhile, White House officials responded to Maduro’s invitation to ‘serious talks’ by mailing him a Magic 8-Ball and an expired GameStop coupon. “We’re always open to dialogue, provided it’s over one of Mr. Trump’s signature steaks,” explained State Department spokesman Todd Fink, “or maybe just a stern Twitter thread.”

At press time, Maduro suggested the talks could be mediated by a neutral party such as Kim Jong Un, who has ‘lots of experience in this sort of thing.’