Just over a year after being sentenced for one of the largest cryptocurrency thefts in history, Ilya Lichtenstein walked out of FCI Otisville a free man on Tuesday, his release hastened by the Trump-era First Step Act and what sources describe as ‘an exemplary record of not hacking the prison commissary.’ Lichtenstein, widely known as the ‘High-Roller of Bitcoin,’ celebrated his newfound freedom with a now-viral post on X, thanking President Trump for ‘making second chances great again.’

In a stunning turn of events, White House officials have already tapped Lichtenstein to lead the newly-formed Cybersecurity Ethics Committee, a position reportedly created after staffers locked themselves out of their own Google accounts. According to Deputy Chief of Staff Brandon Culpepper, ‘Ilya possesses the unique credentials needed to advise America’s youth on what not to do with one’s parents’ Coinbase passwords.’

When reached for comment, Lichtenstein expressed enthusiasm for his future. ‘Thanks to America’s progressive criminal justice reform, I now have the opportunity to protect digital assets instead of liberating them,’ he wrote. His wife and alleged co-conspirator, rapper Heather ‘Razzlekhan’ Morgan, added, ‘We’re just grateful Ilya can finally use his elite hacking skills for good memes instead of…other things.’

Not all responses have been positive. Senator Marjorie Thistle (R-FL) voiced concern: ‘While we’re big on rehabilitation, maybe we don’t let the guy who stole $4.5 billion set the Wi-Fi password.’

Lichtenstein’s first act as committee chair is rumoured to be installing a Chrome extension that automatically reroutes phishing links to Congress. He calls it ‘a teachable moment for lawmakers.’