In what experts are calling an unprecedented exodus of tastefully aging celebrities, George Clooney this week announced his relocation to France, blaming not only geopolitical tensions but also what he called the ‘alarming decline in quality wine and reliable paparazzi coverage’ in the United States.

Clooney’s wife, Amal, recently drew stern warnings from the UK government that she could face US sanctions over her involvement in issuing an arrest warrant for Benjamin Netanyahu. But according to the couple, the threat of her being mistaken for a suspicious package at JFK was only one factor.

‘Frankly, the wine at LAX lounge is undrinkable,’ Clooney admitted in a statement delivered from the back of a Citroën. ‘And paparazzi here are just different—if you ask for a moody black-and-white shot outside a boulangerie, they deliver, and they call you monsieur.’

French immigration officials confirmed Clooney’s application included a handwritten note citing ‘urgent need to avoid American cheese’ and a request for ‘presidential immunity from all TMZ ambushes.’ As Deputy Minister of Celebrity Affairs Étienne Dupont explained, “We understand Mr. Clooney’s plight. Our country takes the privacy of international heartthrobs very seriously.”

Other Hollywood names have followed suit, with Ellen DeGeneres now giving lectures on British sarcasm in Essex, and Richard Gere spotted trying to blend unnoticed into a Lisbon yoga commune. As for Clooney, he says he’s finally found a country that respects both his privacy and his palate, and where the biggest threat is running into Gérard Depardieu in the rosé aisle.