In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through Tinseltown, former leading man Rob Schneider has exposed what he calls “the fetid, gluten-free rot at the heart of Hollywood,” claiming that conservative actors are routinely blacklisted and then converted into digital sidekicks for Marvel movies.

“After I retweeted Ben Shapiro in 2015, my headshot was immediately confiscated and replaced with a stock photo of Seth Rogen,” Schneider explained to a hushed audience of Newsmax interns. “Next thing I know, I’m auditioning for ‘Deuce Bigalow: Electric Scooter Inspector’ and getting rejected by a casting assistant who only communicates via TikTok dances.”

According to sources inside the industry, the process is devilishly efficient. “We have a room at Paramount—right between the sustainability closet and the kombucha chamber—where we scan the conservative actors and upload them to the cloud,” said ‘Anonymous Studio Executive’ and self-proclaimed vegan, Skylar Breezely. “We then recast them as slightly-off digital background dancers in Chris Pratt movies. The AI-generated Rob Schneider in Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 5 will only say, ‘You can do it!’ but like, ironically.”

Film historian Dr. Lyle Mincer weighed in: “You can see the pattern—one moment you’re starring alongside Adam Sandler, the next you’re a motion-captured wombat in an animated reboot of ‘The View.’ The blacklist is real, and it’s got a subscription to MasterClass.”

“Look, it’s not personal,” said Netflix spokesperson Tiana Flixworthy. “We just want our content to appeal to people who use oat milk unironically.”

Schneider says he refuses to be silenced, and has announced his next project: a three-hour Rumble exclusive, ‘Patriots and Paella: Cooking for Freedom.’