WASHINGTON, D.C.—Donald Trump reignited international excitement this week by promising his supporters that, if re-elected, the United States will “run Venezuela much better than Venezuela ever did—like the best Subway, believe me,” as White House staff scrambled to locate a manager’s manual in Spanish.

Senator Tom Cotton responded to Trump’s remarks with caution, telling reporters, “There are still a lot of questions to be answered, like whether the US has enough employees to cover the lunch rush or if we’ll have to start offering free gift cards for regime change.” Cotton added, “Frankly, I just don’t know if Americans are ready to accept Venezuelan currency with pictures of oil barrels on them.”

When asked about the plan’s specifics, Trump announced, “The moment Maduro hands me the keys, every Venezuelan will get a free cookie and a chance to pick their own toppings. That’s how you win hearts, folks. Venezuela’s never seen anything like a true American sandwich.”

In Caracas, President Nicolás Maduro seemed unconcerned, telling local media, “I welcome American management style. Maybe under Trump we’ll finally get ice in our sodas and working air conditioning.”

Meanwhile, UK Prime Minister Keir Starmer stressed the importance of the US-UK alliance. “The world is volatile, and the only thing more volatile than Trump’s Venezuela policy is my effort to sound diplomatic while explaining it,” he said.

Despite confusion, Trump insiders say there is already a search underway for a ‘franchisee of democracy’ willing to run Venezuela’s day-to-day operations, starting with a ‘Buy One Democracy, Get One Coup Free’ special opening week.