LAS VEGAS—Citing an egregious display of competence, the Las Vegas Raiders announced the immediate dismissal of esteemed head coach Pete Carroll after a shocking one-season tenure in which the team accidentally won more games than intended.

“Honestly, he shattered our culture of perpetual rebuilding,” said Raiders owner Mark Davis, nervously rearranging his hair. “We brought Pete in to maintain our cherished six-win plateau, but the man insisted on game plans, strategy, and—frankly—happiness in the locker room. That’s not what the Raider Nation is about.”

Sources claim Carroll’s fate was sealed when he led the team to a marginally impressive 8-9 record, including a season-ending win that left fans confused and suspicious. “Suddenly, fans were asking what a playoff hunt felt like,” explained Raiders VP of Historical Futility, Chad Fumbleton. “We can’t have that. Next thing you know, people are expecting us to draft well.”

“I should have known when he tried to teach the defense to tackle,” said a veteran player who requested anonymity to avoid being forced to try next year. “He kept saying things like ‘execution’ and ‘winning culture.’ It was disturbing.”

Carroll, who handed in his laminated playbook and a signed copy of ‘Winning for Dummies,’ expressed disappointment. “I just wanted to make the Raiders proud. Turns out, the only thing that makes them proud is draft picks and broken dreams.”

As of press time, the Raiders were reportedly considering rehiring their previous coach, a wax mannequin in a visor named “Art Shell 2.0.”