MINNEAPOLIS, MN—In a move described by supporters as “unexpectedly responsible” and by critics as “relentlessly convenient,” Minnesota Governor Tim Walz announced Monday he will not seek a third term, citing a desire to “spend more time doing literally anything else.” The two-term Democrat’s surprise decision follows what experts are calling “the most lucrative golden years for fraud in Minnesota history,” during which roughly 94% of social services paperwork shifted from ‘approved’ to ‘currently under investigation.’

“I’ve loved serving Minnesota,” Walz wrote in a statement, “but at some point you have to ask yourself: How many more press conferences can a man hold before he starts speaking in fraudulent reimbursement codes?” He added that while he was deeply honored to be considered for Vice President in 2024, he’s since discovered “the real political hotbed is in my neighbor’s garage, with four guys named Dale.”

Reached for comment, Republican state senator Tom Finkley observed, “We’re just relieved Walz finally admitted defeat in the endless Whack-a-Mole game that is state oversight. He’ll be missed at our weekly Fraud Accountability Bingo Night.” Meanwhile, local political analyst Marsha Vortman noted, “It’s rare a governor leaves office before the FBI has to introduce themselves. That’s the sort of initiative we like to see.”

Though Walz did not reveal future plans, sources suggest he is in talks to appear on HGTV’s ‘Fraudulent Fixer-Uppers: Government Edition.’