UNITED NATIONS—Brushing aside global concerns, US Ambassador Blane Haskell confidently told a packed UN session Tuesday that “there is simply no war in Venezuela,” even as a trail of National Guard Humvees idled outside Manhattan Federal Court, where recently captured Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro waited to hear charges read out by a judge wearing night-vision goggles.

“Honestly, Venezuela has never been more peaceful,” said Ambassador Haskell, adjusting his flak jacket as a camouflaged paratrooper rappelled down behind him. “If anything, we’ve freed the Venezuelan people from the tyranny of not having access to American fast food chains.”

Amid questions about America’s intentions after the weekend’s precision airstrikes and the spontaneous appearance of a Starbucks kiosk in Caracas, White House spokesperson Tiffany Rudd clarified, “This is not an invasion. It’s a limited engagement with unlimited scope, flexible goals, and a strong focus on bringing affordable WiFi to new markets.”

A UK Home Office minister, Mike Tapp, declined to comment on whether Venezuela’s oil reserves played any role in the US operation. “We’re not saying America invaded for oil. We’re just saying it’s nice to have options when filling up at the pump,” Tapp told Sky News, while perusing a brochure labeled ‘Venezuelan Crude For Dummies.’

Meanwhile, President Trump celebrated the capture, stating, “America will run Venezuela better than anyone—maybe with valet parking, maybe with golden toilets, you’ll just have to wait and see.”

At press time, Maduro was observed searching for a lawyer in the food court, flanked by US Marshals and a representative from ExxonMobil.