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Foo Fighters Guitarist Sidelined After Vicious Attack by Rogue Chrysanthemum: Band Warns Fans of ‘Gardening Epidemic’

SEATTLE—The Foo Fighters announced Tuesday that guitarist Pat Smear will miss several dates of their “Concrete and Weeds” summer tour after suffering a broken foot in what band representatives are calling “a senseless act of botanical violence.”

Smear, 64, reportedly sustained the injury while attempting to re-pot a notoriously temperamental chrysanthemum in his backyard. Sources claim the incident escalated when the flower “lunged unexpectedly,” sending the guitarist tumbling into a bed of heirloom rutabagas. Medical professionals described his injuries as “consistent with combat against aggressive perennials.”

“Pat is stable and in good spirits, though somewhat traumatized by mulch,” said Foo Fighters tour manager Shelby ‘Dirtclaw’ Anderson. “We are increasing security in all green rooms—especially those containing ferns.”

While Smear recovers, the band has tapped experimental horticulturalist and part-time guitarist Dr. Lucinda “Thornfinger” Platt to fill in, citing her dual expertise in riffs and rhizomes. Frontman Dave Grohl expressed cautious optimism: “We just want Pat to take it easy—maybe stick to succulents for a while. There’s no reason to be a hero around hydrangeas.”

Plant experts have been quick to weigh in. “We’ve long warned musicians about the dangers of unsupervised pruning,” said Dr. Reginald Peony-Bloom of the International Society for Rocker Safety. “Many underestimate the latent fury of ornamental flora.”

The Foo Fighters urge fans to remain vigilant during gardening season, and have postponed their next show in Portland due to what Grohl calls “rampant daffodil unrest.”

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Gloria Hyperbole

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